Leadership Under Fire: Exposing and Defeating Gaslighting Tactics in the Workplace
Do any of these phrases sound familiar at work?
- “You’re just overreacting. That’s not how it happened.”
- “You don’t understand the project like I do.”
- “You’re imagining problems that don’t exist.”
- “I was only trying to help. Don’t be so sensitive.”
If someone at work often says things like this, you might be experiencing gaslighting. It's important to recognize and address gaslighting behaviors to protect your well-being and career. Let's first understand the meaning behind this behavior.
What is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is intentional manipulation whether subtle or overt meant to make you question your own thoughts and abilities. In the workplace, gaslighters—whether colleagues, managers, or subordinates—distort reality to shift blame and undermine your confidence.
Unlike a difficult boss who may be harsh, a gaslighter’s intent is to make you doubt yourself, with the impact being decreased self-confidence, increased stress, and reduced job performance.
Three Steps of Gaslighting
Understanding these steps can help you identify red flags and protect yourself from this harmful behavior.
1. Ideation
This starts by making you feel like they’re kind and supportive. Gaslighters build a connection by creating positive experiences and moments of joy, making you think they’re trustworthy and caring. This makes it easier for them to manipulate you later because you already see them positively.
2. Devaluation
Gaslighters carefully observe your strengths and weaknesses to use them against you. They use this knowledge to confuse you and make you feel uncertain about yourself. In this phase, they give you advice that seems helpful but deepens your insecurities. For example, if your manager says, “You might want to think about how you come across when you speak,” it’s a way to make you doubt yourself even more.
3. Discarding
They make you depend on them for support or approval. Once you’re dependent, they push you aside and make you feel bad about yourself. Their goal is to lower your self-esteem so they can keep control over you.
How to Spot Gaslighting in the Workplace
Research shows 58 percent of people have experienced gaslighting at work.¹ Since it happens often, gaslighting can take many different forms. Let’s explore some of the most common examples of gaslighting at work:
Trivializing
Gaslighters make you feel like your emotions are exaggerated or unimportant. Your manager might say, "You’re overreacting about the server downtime." This makes you doubt your own emotions and valid concerns.
Countering
They challenge your memory by creating new details or denying events entirely. Instead of admitting their own mistakes, they blame you for the problem, making it seem like you’re the wrong one. If you report a recurring issue and your manager says, “I don’t remember us discussing this issue,” or “You must have made a mistake in your report,” they might be trying to make you doubt your memory.
Withholding
They ignore or dismiss your efforts to talk about an issue and they respond by saying, “You’re just trying to make things complicated,” or “This isn’t a big deal,” they are brushing off your concerns. They do this to make you feel like your concerns isn’t worth discussing or that you’re the one creating confusion, instead of addressing the real issue.
Diversion
When you confront their behavior, a gaslighter avoids dealing with the issue by changing the subject. Instead of addressing what you’ve raised, they lead the conversation in a different direction. They usually reply with, “Let’s not get off track,” or “I think you’re just overreacting.” This moves the focus away from their behavior and makes you question whether there really was an issue.
Discrediting
A gaslighter tries to undermine your credibility by spreading doubts about your credibility or honesty. They tell others that you often forget things, get easily confused, or fabricate stories. They might tell your co-workers and say, “He often misinterprets data and blows things out of proportion." This can make others doubt your reliability and make it harder for them to trust your input.
How to Extinguish Gaslighting: Reclaim Your Control
If you think someone at work is gaslighting you, here’s what you can do. Take control and address the toxic behavior with these tips.
Read More: Managing Stress in the Workplace: Tips for Employees to Find Balance and Resilience
Confirm it is indeed gaslighting.
Gaslighting can be hard to determine because it often starts small and can look like other behaviors. It becomes clear when it’s a pattern of making you doubt yourself and depend on their version of reality.
However, not all disagreements or rude comments are gaslighting. Some people may be dismissive without intending to manipulate you. Pay attention to how their actions make you feel over time to determine if it’s truly gaslighting.
Take a break from the situation.
Strong emotions like anger or frustration are natural when facing gaslighting, but try not to let them control your reaction. Staying calm can help you stay focused on the truth and maintain your confidence.
Instead of reacting immediately, suggest a break and return to the conversation later. Stepping away or going for a walk can help clear your mind and regain perspective.
Read More: 9 Wellness Initiatives for a Vibrant and Energized Workforce
Gather evidence.
Documenting your interactions can help you keep track of what’s happening. If they deny a conversation or event, you can check the evidence yourself.
Here are some ways to document:
- Save or take screenshots of texts and emails.
- Take pictures of any damaged property.
- Note conversation dates and times.
- Write summaries of conversations, including direct quotes if you can.
- Record conversations with your phone but check local laws first.
When you know the truth, you won’t doubt yourself. It can also support your mental health and make it easier to deal with gaslighting going forward.
Speak up about the behavior.
Gaslighting works by confusing you and shaking your confidence and these often include lies, criticism, and insults. If you show their behavior doesn’t bother you, they might stop trying to gaslight you.
So, call out these behaviors calmly and assertively to show you won’t accept them. Speaking up and making others aware of the situation can help discourage them from continuing. Sometimes, insults are disguised as jokes or “helpful” comments. If they make a remark like this, ask them to explain as if you don’t understand.
Trust your version of the events.
Everyone might remember things a bit differently sometimes, and you might wonder, “What if it did happen the way they said?”
But try not to doubt yourself—they want you to question reality. Stick to your version of events and state it calmly and confidently. If you have proof, showing it could help, but it might not always change their behavior.
Get professional support.
Gaslighting can escalate into emotional abuse but this doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong and remember: help is available.
If it happens at work, seek help from HR or an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) for mental health support and counseling. Gaslighting can make you feel alone, but you don’t have to handle it by yourself. Therapists and counselors can provide guidance, safety tips, and resources to help you manage the situation.
AT ALLIED ONESOURCE, WE WELCOME YOU WITH OPEN ARMS AND WITHOUT JUDGMENT
Let Allied OneSource protect you from workplace gaslighting by connecting you with employers who value a positive and respectful work environment. We carefully match you with organizations that prioritize respect, mental health, and a healthy workplace culture.
These employers foster an environment where you are valued and supported, with management practices that encourage open communication and professional growth. Reach out to us today to discover opportunities where you can excel and work confidently without the fear of manipulation.
Reference
1. “Gaslighting at Work: How to Identify It and 5 Ways to Address It.” Blog.hubspot.com, 6 Sept. 2023, blog.hubspot.com/marketing/gaslighting-at-work.
